In Somnis Veritas
by zpplnchick
Summary: "Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." – Walter Anderson
1. Chapter 1

Summary: "Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." – Walter Anderson

Disclaimer: It's a sad truth to accept, but Jess and Rory and their entire universe do not belong to me. They belong to a lovely woman named Amy Sherman-Palladino. I just like to play in the sandbox that is her creative genius. Also, I do not own any of the songs featured. (I do, however, encourage a quick visit to YouTube)

A/N: This story has been on my hard drive for a _long_ time and I finally felt inspired to finish it and show it to the world – or the fifteen or so people that will read it. Whichever comes first. This takes place three years after the final episode (Bon Voyage), and Rory is slightly OOC here. You'll see why.

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><p><em>"Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." <em>- Walter Anderson

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><p>Rory has always been a hard sleeper, like her mother. 'Dead to the world' is an expression often used when describing her sleeping habits. More like well-honed survival instincts, she figures. After all, her house was nothing if not a place of constant action and noise, what with the blaring television, the blasting of the Go-Go's, or the <em>knock<em>-_knock_-_knocks_ from Luke fixing up the house at ungodly hours in the morning. She learned early on you were either jerked awake by some unregistered sound or you slept through it all.

It's because of this well-known ability to sleep through the apocalypse that leaves Rory curious… why then is she always so aware when sleeping in the same bed with Jess? It was never like this. Logan would have to spend at least a minute nudging her awake before she finally became aware enough to his clues for morning sex. Dean hadn't fared much better. Rarely fared at all, really. Why is it, then, that all Rory needs is a hand ghosting down her thigh before she's practically pouncing on her dark-haired and surly boyfriend?

It has to be him, she figures, for no one else has ever had this effect on her. She's always so delightfully aware when it comes to Jess Mariano. Like now, she muses with her eyes closed, as he tightens his hold on her waist, bringing her closer to his warmth as he hugs her from behind. She'd just been dreaming about snow and carriage rides when a firm but gentle tug had her slowly leaving the dream world to enter the waking one, and she scoots back further into him, relishing the way his body fits against hers and the delicious warmth he provides.

Slowly she breathes in a deep sigh and opens her eyes, adjusting them to the soft light before flicking up to look at the clock by the bed on the end table – 7:20 a.m. Fairly early, considering it's a Sunday. She turns around in Jess's arms to lay on her left side so she can face him, taking in his peaceful expression. It's a rare sight and she takes her time, allowing her eyes to trace the lines of his face, pausing at his relaxed eyelids and soft mouth. She loves seeing him like this – so unguarded. He's an intense person, her Jess. Never blank, never without an expression. He's always whirring with life. It's what makes him different from a lot of other people – her mother is also like that.

It had taken Lorelai a while to get used to them getting back together. A lot of explaining, a lot of convincing and two movie nights (of which Jess had grudgingly agreed to attend) were needed in order to finally convince her that Jess has changed and is indeed a good man for Rory. It certainly helped when Rory explained Jess's involvement in her going back to Yale.

Nothing about them is ever easy. She smiles – she likes it though. All the crap they went through only makes her realize how much she loves the man beside her.

Rory's lips curve upwards in a slow smile before she lifts her hand to sweep her fingers through his jet-black hair.

His brows furrow slightly before he grunts softly. He slowly stirs, angling his face towards the palm of her hand and brushing softly up against it.

They have a complicated relationship – even before getting together. Nothing normal ever fits them. She frowns at that sudden realization. Nothing normal _ever _fits them. Surely there has to be _something_…

Nope.

They met – she was taken. They flirted, argued and kissed until she wasn't taken… then they flirted, argued and kissed some more. But it's okay, she supposes. Dysfunctional sort of works for them. Nobody's perfect. Least of all them. And even though they have to work at their relationship every day, she knows that this is the most rewarding thing she has ever entered. She loves him more than she knew she was capable of and knows that there is no one else for her. They just fit.

That in itself might be the only thing that's normal for them. Then she realizes how even _that_ is odd. How often do people find that one person that they are completely happy with and just _fit_? Not often. And the fact that they found each other so young, that's not normal at all. She wonders… can they not have at least one normal thing?

"Jess," she whispers.

"Hmm," he responds, sleepily.

"Jess. Wake up."

His eyes pop open and he looks at her inquisitively.

"We don't have a song. All couples should have a song."

"Is that so?" he responds teasingly. "Should we also make love by a meadow and scatter rose petals along our apartment?"

Rory rolls her eyes. "I'm serious. We should have a song."

"We do."

"We do?" she asks, surprised. Surely she couldn't have missed that.

"_Guns of Brixton_," he replies, smirking.

She shouldn't be surprised. He remembers everything. Annoyingly so, at times. Nevertheless, she awards him with a chaste kiss, showing him that she is enormously touched that he remembers something so small from so long ago. "First of all," she starts, "that was years ago and we weren't even dating then. Secondly, I'm not quite sure I want to associate what we have with oppression and riots."

"All right," he says before getting up to grab her hand and lead them to the living room where their stereo and CDs are located. "Let's get on it then."

She grins, loving how her hand fits in his.

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><p>An hour and a half later finds them both sitting on the floor of the living room of their apartment with Rory looking through a rack of CDs in front of her and Jess leaning against the back of the couch, looking at the back of a CD case. They're both sitting cross legged and facing towards each other with three different piles of at least twenty-five CD cases in between them. More are scattered around, and small piles litter their floor space, some cases open, some closed, but most of the CDs are in one of the two towering piles off to the side. Rory groans loudly. "This is impossible," she exclaims. "It can't possibly be this hard to find one song that fits us."<p>

He smirks, "Yet surprisingly believable. It's actually quite fitting."

She laughs. "You're right. There isn't a song in the history of the world that can describe what we have."

_It's like kissing him_, she thinks.

No matter how hard she tries, she can never find the right words to describe that feeling she gets when her lips met his. _And on that note…_ she braces herself as she leans forward and meets his lips in a sweet and tantalizing kiss. He responds immediately.

She breaks the kiss, giving a small peck before leaning back, smiling to herself - her lips still tingling. Yup. No words. Indescribable.

"Okay," she announces, putting another disk into the player. "How about this one?"

The beginning chords of the song she picks filters out of the speakers before Al Green's easy and soulful voice appears, instantly filling Rory with a need to sway her hips from side to side.

"A little soul is necessary in life," Jess mumbles, still looking at the CD cover in his hands.

Rory gasps, her eyes wide in shock. "I cannot believe you've seen that movie."

"Liz had a Freddie Prinze Jr. thing for a while. Al Green was the only decent part of that horrible movie. And no we are not making our song _Let's Stay Together_."

"Fine. Oh. How about this one, then?"

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><p>"<em>Since I've Been Lovin' You?<em>" he asks.

"Not unless I make your life a drag," she responds distractedly, flipping through Patti Smith tracks.

"_Rain Song_? _All My Love_?"

"Don't think you can sneak in Led Zeppelin just because of good titles. I'd like a song with lyrics that made me actually think you loved me," she states as she puts in another disk.

Jess cracks a smile as he pushes his Zeppelin collection towards the pile on the right and picks up another CD case in between them.

"Edith Piaf?" she asks as _Non, je ne regrette rien_ fills the apartment. "A classic," she states confidently. "And impossibly romantic."

"No way," he snorts. "The woman was grief-stricken, depressed, and French. Hardly words that I imagine when I think of you," he says as he stops the song and replaces the disk with another while Rory rolls her eyes.

Many would assume that _Come Together_ or _Revolution_ is Jess's favorite Beatles song… 'Jess' and 'Rebellion'are practically synonymous. Rory, however, is one of the few who knows that _And I Love Her_ is actually his favorite and looks up and smiles at him as it begins playing. She'd always known their more popular songs, the hits, but it wasn't until Jess that she'd started listening to and come to love their lesser known ballads.

"Hey, where's your Creed CD?"

"Weathered or Human Clay?" Jess asks, reaching over to look behind him at a pile he created to his left.

"Umm, Weathered, I think."

He grabs the case and hands it to her. Rory takes the Beatles disk out when the song comes to a close and puts it back in its case, placing it on one of the two huge stacks, the left one, before putting the CD Jess handed her into the player and finding the track she wants. "This one?" she asks.

He smiles softly as _Lullaby_ begins playing. It's one of their softest songs, and though it is alarmingly uncharacteristic of him, it's also one of his favorites of theirs. He tells her to put it on top of the left stack.

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><p>Rory grins mischievously and takes out the Van Morrison CD playing <em>Tupelo Honey<em> that Jess put in before placing in her own disk.

Jess looks up and upon seeing her grin, throws her a wary gaze. As soon as he hears the song, however, he throws his head back and laughs aloud having recognized the song instantly from the sweeping orchestral beginning of _At Last_ by Etta James. "Cheeky," he tells her after calming down.

She giggles, knowing it could never be an option as it is far too cliché for them, but just had to play it once she came across it.

They lapse into a period of silence when the song closes, just flipping through the CDs that they both own, comfortable with their own thoughts and the silence that surrounds the apartment.

It's never awkward with them, Rory thinks to herself. Being together is always exhilarating and passionate, but there is always an underlying sense of comfort that she could never find with another person besides her mother. She had always felt the need to talk or do something while with Dean. Logan was almost no different. She could never just _be_ while with them.

It's different with Jess though. It always has been. Even when they were kids, she could remember countless hours spent just sitting with him on the couch, them reading their own books. Nothing had to be said. Nothing had to be done, simply being together was comfortable and it hasn't changed.

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><p>Jess smiles softly as he puts the next contender into the CD player. He knows she'll love this one. He does too.<p>

It's the song that had been playing when he came over after they had been dating again for a while. He had finally worked up the courage to tell her and came over immediately. When he'd used his 'emergency key' to get through the door, he found her sprawled out on her bed reading a book she'd borrowed from him with _Ribbon in the _Sky playing in the background (she'd said she'd been in a Stevie Wonder mood after being asked). He had crawled onto the bed, grabbed the book out of her hands and kissed her full on the mouth before pulling back to tell her he loved her. Her eyes had lit up and a slow smile had worked its way onto her face before she'd told him she loved him too and kissed him again.

He turns it to the right track, and as the song starts to play she stops what she's doing and smiles gently. He can see the emotions dance across her face and is riveted by the love he sees there.

She looks up at him then and grins before leaning over to kiss him. "It's definitely an option," she whispers before getting up to head to the kitchen. "You want anything?" she calls back. "I'm grabbing chips."

"Just a soda," he shouts back as he stops the song and takes out the CD to put it back in its case before placing it on top of the ever-growing _maybe_ stack they had been compiling for the past two hours. Next to it on the right is an even bigger stack that he dubbed _definitely not_ that holds most of her country selection and quite a bit of his death rocker CDs that Rory insists gives her chills, and not in the good way. Before she comes back out he grabs another disk and places it into the player to be judged as an option.

Rory walks back in and hands Jess his Coke before setting down the bowl of chips on the table. When she sees that the small pile of CDs between them has dwindled down to only two cases, she walks over to the bin of vinyl records they own to give them a look.

As she flips through the selections, she hears a very familiar song come from the speakers as a pair of strong arms wrap around her from behind, a soft kiss placed at the nape of her neck.

"I love you."

She turns around to wrap her arms around him and says softly, "I love you, too," before giving him a kiss. He wraps his arms tighter around her, bringing her closer into his body, before starting to sway softly to _Songbird_, the Eva Cassidy version. They spend the next few minutes absorbed in each other as Rory thinks back to the moment in their history that this closely parallels and gives it voice just as the song ends. "That's the song we danced to at Mom and Luke's wedding."

"Yeah," he responds. He leans down to bury his face in her hair before giving a quick kiss to her neck. "That's when I knew I couldn't let you go again."

Her eyes immediately water. She'd been thinking the same thing. Right there on the dance floor of her mother's wedding was when she'd realized the man holding her was it – she loved him and wouldn't stop.

She squeezes her arms to bring herself closer to him and whispers, "Me too."

They hadn't 'officially' gotten back together until about two weeks later but it was inevitable after the wedding. They spent the entire evening sitting next to each other talking and learning about each other again. It was easy, comfortable and she'd felt more like herself with him than she had in the past few years.

She presses her face to his shoulder and lets his shirt soak up her tears before pulling back and looking at him. She smiles and kisses him softly. "I think we found a winner."

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><p>...Rory bolted upright in her bed, heart pounding and eyes wide...<p>

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><p>AN2: The movie Jess quotes above during Al Green's _Let's Stay Together_ is _Down To You_ (2000) starring Freddie Prinze Jr. and Julia Stiles. I thought it appropriate to mention, since I did get the idea of Jess and Rory picking out their song from a scene in the movie where Al and Imogen go through his parent's records looking for 'their' song.

Part two is up next.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: 'Twas but a dream! Did you see it coming? I'm curious. Most of you probably did and are now thinking 'How cliché!' – but that's okay. Clichés are clichés for a reason, right?

And the dream scene, as I like to call it, may seem too detailed or whatnot, but what I wanted to capture was a type of feeling that Rory had. Because often upon waking, even though I'm only left with bits and pieces of what the actual dream entailed, the emotions that I experienced while dreaming are still very present. I wake with a strong sense of what I felt while dreaming. _That_ is what I wanted to capture – the strength of the emotions. So that's partially what I based Rory's dream upon – how the entire experience made her feel. And what it soon makes her realize.

Also, some of you delightful readers may have noticed, or will notice, the tense change… it was intentional, I assure you. I wanted to differentiate the dream from the reality.

And yes, I did change the title. Forgive me, but it fit better.

On to the second part of the story!

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><p>November 14, 2010<p>

3:32 a.m.

_Rory bolted upright in bed, heart pounding and eyes wide._

She took a few deep breaths, pushing the air in and out before lying back down and turning on her side, squeezing her eyes shut.

_Oh, God_. _It was just a dream… It was just a dream… _

Lying to yourself was easy… believing your own lies was a lot harder. Tears leaked from her eyes, tears that were caused by an intense anger for having woken up, but also caused by an even more intense frustration in herself for having had the dream in the first place. Her eyes popped open upon the realization; she didn't _want_ the dream to end.

God. It was so realistic. She could almost still taste his kiss, feel the tingle where his hands traced her skin. Her body longed for more of his touches and she hated herself for wishing that he was next to her in the bed. Because it wasn't right. She should not be longing for him when she had a wonderful, loyal and handsome fiancé waiting for her just 150 miles away.

Rory rolled onto her back and opened her eyes, letting the tears fall onto her pillow. But, _God_, it was so real that it made her heart ache. She felt as if a lifetime of memories had just been ripped away from her the moment she woke up and there was nothing she could do but watch them leave and wish for them back – wish for Stevie Wonder and dancing and tantalizing kisses to not just be hopeful flashes from her imagination, but actual memories from reality instead.

And it was there, while feeling distraught and hazy from sleep, that Rory had a moment of clarity in her old room at home in Stars Hollow.

_I can't do this anymore_.

In truth, she wasn't entirely surprised with the dream or with herself enjoying it. He had been on the backburners of her mind for so long that it was only natural he took up permanent residence there. And for the past few months, he'd slowly but surely pushed his way forward in her conscience – so much so that her heart would beat a little faster every time her phone rang, wishing that when she answered she would hear his deep voice – not that of her fiancé but of a man she'd known far longer who had wild jet-black hair and deep hazel eyes that had the ability to strip her bare and leave her breathless.

That was why she knew this day would come. And even though she was feeling so unbelievably guilty, she was relieved. A pot could only simmer for so long before it overflowed. Erupted.

It was then that she truly realized where her thought process was leading her… crap. David. Her sweet, caring David - the man who showered her with love and affection. He was wonderful. Her mom adored him, as did Lane and her grandparents. It was hard not to. A Brown graduate, he was smart, attractive, charming and doing remarkably well in his career. It seemed the only person he hadn't fully won over was Luke, though that could be somewhat expected as Luke was exceptionally protective and didn't really like any of the men in her life.

She smiled. Except _him_. To be expected, though, what with Jess being his nephew and all. Family obligation, she supposed. Plus they were so alike. She couldn't help but think of Jess whenever she heard Luke mutter "Jeez."

She sat up and pulled her knees to her chest, her long hair falling over her left shoulder. She was a fairly rational person, something her mom teased her about endlessly. She could not string David along if she was unsure. She had learned that long before. Funnily enough, Jess was involved in both scenarios. In retrospect, that little tidbit should have tipped her off right there.

She didn't want to make the wrong decision. She cracked a wry smile at something one of her professor's had once said that she'd never been able to forget: "If you choose wrong, you're screwed." How right he was.

She'd never wanted to hurt anyone though – least of all David. He didn't deserve it.

_Is this how I got here? Not wanting to hurt anyone?_

Tonight, it appeared, was a night of revelations. Thank God she was staying in Stars Hollow for the night. She had needed a weekend away and wanted to visit her mom and Lane. She didn't think she could bare all of this with David sleeping right next to her.

She loved him; that she was sure of. But Rory began to wonder whether that love was holding her back from something. Whether she was holding herself back from something. It was possible, as it wouldn't have been the first time. One thing Rory knew was that she had never truly been brave. Not like her mother. And it was something she didn't like about herself. She had always been safe and sweet and took very little risk.

_Logan_. Okay. With the exception of her relationship with Logan, she had an essentially risk-free life. Even then, she'd needed to be pushed by him to do anything. On her own, however, was a different story.

Could she take a risk now? Would it really be a risk, or just a homecoming?

Her heart was leaning towards the latter and she thought over the last few times she saw him. They had met three times since the whole Truncheon fiasco. She smiled to herself, the first time was so awkward.

_June 16, 2010_

_She was running late. Deciding to meet David at the coffee shop on the Upper East Side was silly, if not time consuming – no matter how great their Danishes were. He had insisted though, knowing that not only did she love that place but that he couldn't stray too far away from the museum. So, here she was, commuting from the Times building on 41st – and in high heels, no less. He owed her a foot massage – that she knew for sure. She was just about to cross the street, having glanced to her left to make sure she was not about to be run over, when she saw him. _

_Her heart simultaneously stopped and sped up at the same time. He was digging into his pocket for money to pay for a soda. Right there. She hadn't seen him in almost four years and he was right there, on the street… a city of eight million people and she was actually seeing Jess on the street. _

_Wow. "Wow."_

_What was he doing here? Last she heard he was still at Truncheon in Philly. Of course she didn't receive regular updates on his life. Seven years and people were still uncomfortable bringing up Jess with her around. She wished that awkwardness would stop. Though she appreciated Luke's protectiveness, she wanted updates on him. No matter what happened between them in the past or whatever will happen in the future, Jess was an important part of her life and she wanted him to be okay._

_She couldn't move, so she'd opted to just stand there on the sidewalk and watch him as he paid for his Coke, cracked it open and proceeded to lift it to his mouth, only to have it freeze halfway in the air when his eyes finally spotted her. They stared at each other for a good ten seconds before she decided something needed to happen. Anything._

"_Hi." Okay. Good start. Just calm down. Rory took a deep breath before slowly starting to walk towards him._

"_Hi." _

"_How have you been? What are you doing here? Are you not at Truncheon anymore?"_

_He smirked. "Good. Work. No."_

_It took her a second to realize he was answering all of her questions, in order. The smirk had caught and held her attention. Jesus. 'Get a hold of yourself, Gilmore,' she told herself mentally. It wasn't like it was a fascinating new facial arrangement. She'd seen it dozens of times before._

_Though it did make her stomach flutter. _

"_What are you doing in the city?" he asked, his brow slightly furrowed with something resembling both curiosity and apprehension. _

"_Oh, I moved here two and a half years ago. I was writing pieces while following the Obama campaign but quit after he got the primary when I got some other offers. I wanted to be closer to home and was tired of living out of a suitcase and fighting over a good seat on the bus. I work at the Times now."_

"_The Times? Really? I guess that Ivy League education wasn't wasted on you."_

"_So, you're here?"_

"_Looks like it," he answered, as ambiguous as ever._

_They had started to slowly walk towards each other and were now standing a foot away from each other, allowing Rory brief whiffs of his cologne. "What I meant was, why are you here? What are you doing now?"_

"_Truncheon was purchased by a bigger company so I moved back here. I'm working at Huntington's in Brooklyn. Mainly with new authors."_

"_That's great, Jess. I'm sorry Truncheon didn't work out but at least you're back here. Back home." She paused, noticing the apprehension in his eyes but unwilling to part with him just yet. "What are you doing now?"_

"_I just got off work – was heading to a coffee shop around the corner – gonna look over some manuscripts." He gestured to the messenger bag he was carrying over his shoulder. _

_She had no idea what possessed her to blurt out the next thing that came out of her mouth, but nevertheless, there it was. "Do you want some company?"_

"_Uhh, sure," he answered, albeit a bit hesitantly. "Come on."_

_She smiled and fell into step beside him. They reached the café fairly quickly and went in, escaping the wind outside. She found them seats in the far corner in two big comfy chairs facing each other with a sizeable table between them while he ordered them coffees at the counter. This was good. She needed a little time to digest._

_Almost four years. It had been too long. God. And the last time she saw him… she didn't even want to think about that. She was such a jerk. And she could tell that he didn't quite know how to react to seeing her again. He was closed off from her in a way she was not used to, not that she could blame him. She would act weird too if she saw an ex who tried to use her for sex as revenge against their significant other – she closed her eyes. 'Unbelievable,' she thought. Out of everyone, why did she have to choose Jess for that moment of insanity? Not only did he not deserve that after everything they'd been through, but it would have undoubtedly started a whole slew of new problems. It wasn't like they could just have sex then turn around like nothing happened and move on without a care. There was always something there between them, lingering. Waiting._

_He came back with two large, steaming mugs and handed her the larger one before sitting down across from her. It was then she remembered – David._

"_Crap. I have to make a quick phone call… to my editor. I'll be right back," she told him quickly, just as he sat down. For some reason she didn't want him to know that she had already had plans, and with another man. She stepped outside and fished out her phone. It barely rang once before he picked up. "David? Hi. I'm so sorry but I have to stay late at work…I know, but Missy called in and my editor needs these stories by tonight. I'll see you tomorrow, all right? Yeah. Okay. Love you, too. M'bye."_

_Rory knew it was a crappy excuse, but oh well. She'll diagnose why she did it later. She walked back into the café and looked at him. He had already taken out the manuscripts he had mentioned and was looking through them, completely absorbed. His hair was shorter than the last time she had seen him but still had that crazy wavy texture to it that she loved. She smiled wistfully. It was good she ran into him._

It was amazing to Rory how well she remembered every detail about that day. She sat back against the headboard of the bed and let the darkness of the night encompass her as she thought back to that night all those months ago.

An hour later had found them with both of their coffee cups empty and every manuscript covered in notes, both in her delicate, feminine handwriting and his neat, tiny scrawl. They'd been hungry so they had decided to have dinner a few blocks away at a restaurant she'd known of after having eaten there with her mom. They'd both ordered burgers and had decided to split dessert. He had originally complained about the length of time it took for them to be seated but she'd insisted that their chocolate cake sundae was well worth it. After a bit of nudging and pestering, he'd grudgingly conceded that she was right.

They had talked all through dinner and for the two hours after while walking around the city. It had been easy to be with him. The conversations flowed easily when they'd talked and the silences were comfortable when they hadn't. It was something Rory had not been expecting, especially after having not seen him for so long. She'd expected some level of awkwardness to maintain after their initial meeting, but it had disappeared in the coffee shop during the second manuscript when they'd entered into a spectacular and pointless argument over the author's use of the term _non-scented_.

Rory smiled at that. Even then she had silently agreed with Jess that _unscented _sounded much better, but stubbornness was a trait inbred in her and she had not gone down without a fight. Besides, she figured, _non-scented_ was a perfectly acceptable term to describe something's lack of smell…or so she'd argued.

During dinner she had felt that she'd avoided the subject for too long and apologized to him over what happened when they'd last seen each other. He took it in stride, like usual, and had accepted her apology – even throwing in a joke to ease the tension. Rory remembered how she'd felt in that moment, truly appreciating the man sitting across from her.

They had talked about lighter issues after that, and that was when she'd found out that he hadn't been dating anyone at the time, having somewhat recently got out of a relationship that had lasted a little under a year. It wasn't serious, he'd said. They'd parted easily when the girl moved away for some job in Chicago.

Sitting there, five months later, Rory could still feel the undercurrent of jealousy she'd felt then at the thought of Jess with another woman. It was ridiculous, she knew, but it was there nonetheless.

She hadn't wanted to lose contact with him so they'd exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. Life had gotten crazy then, however, and she'd been unable to see him for another three months. David had moved into her apartment during that time and she'd been given a significantly bigger workload from her editor, not that she'd minded entirely, but it had cut into her free time.

The next time she and Jess met it had been at a pizza place in the Village and they'd later walked around for hours arguing over the latest movies they'd watched and books that they had read since they last talked. Rory remembered thinking that it was refreshing – she had missed their banter. It wasn't that David wasn't able to talk about those things, he just didn't have the same passion for it. He was an art curator, after all. He preferred to discuss the incoming pieces at the museum over bad TV.

Rory remembered their walk around the Village vividly. They had gone to that same record store that he'd taken her to years previously when she'd skipped school to visit him. Spending an hour with him in that tiny shop brought back so many memories of hours wandering around bookstores and neighborhoods with him. She missed those days, back when they'd been happy and he'd take her to New York for a day and introduce her to his favorite places. She remembered how lucky she'd felt then, getting an inside look at his life before Stars Hollow, a peek into the world of Jess Mariano.

Every now and then throughout the years she would go back and revisit some of those places, partly because she really did love them and partly because she'd wished to run into him. It was dumb, really. But it was something she couldn't really explain – the ever constant need to be connected to him in some way.

After the visit to the record store, they'd grabbed ice cream. His treat, he had insisted. It wasn't really a surprise – he'd rarely let her pay for stuff when they'd been dating. The occasional movie or pizza, but it was mostly him. Rory remembered feeling surprised at first, not having imagined him to be the sort of boy that would insist on such things, but then realized that he wanted to take care of her and she had relished that realization. When she would argue, he would shrug and respond that he had two jobs and she should save it for Harvard. Rory smiled at the memory of her trying to be sneaky and surprise him by bringing a pizza or picking up the movie ahead of time, only to find that he'd anticipated her move and would come with whatever she hadn't. He had always seemed to be two steps ahead of her and she had never been able to figure out how until one night when he'd yelled it at her.

_I know you! I know you better than anyone!_

He was right. She knew he was. She'd since been striving to find that type of connection with someone, only to have that search come up null and void.

And what a connection they had. It was something indescribable but so simple and so uniquely them. Rory believed it to be a direct result of them being both complete opposites and also unbelievably similar at the same time. She could walk into a room and immediately sense when he was present, just as he could with her. He'd been the only one of her boyfriends who could truly keep up with her in conversation, and not only keep up but keep her on her toes as well. Dean had tried, God help him, but only understood half at best. Logan certainly understood her, but she had always felt as if he was keeping up with her out of amusement, not for the sake of conversing and connecting with her. David understood her most of the time and would keep up with her in conversation, but, and Rory felt horrible for admitting this to herself, it felt as if he only did it out of necessity and he wasn't entirely interested in everything she wished to discuss.

God. What a horrible thing to think about your fiancé.

But it was true. She missed that connection. It was raw and intense, but also comfortable at the same time. And it only got stronger with skin-to-skin contact, she mused, remembering what had happened when Jess had insisted on paying for the ice cream. She had been reaching into her wallet to pull out the money to pay for her double scoop strawberry in a cone when he had reached over to stop her hand and the zings his touch had left were shocking. She'd nearly forgotten what they'd felt like, not having experienced them since she'd first started dating Logan.

They were even worse the next time they met – the zings. _Howl_ was playing at the Angelika and she had insisted that they see it. He'd been reluctant at first and only agreed when she'd convinced him it would be sacrilegious if _they _didn't see it. While they'd both agreed the film to be liked enough watch a second time, it hadn't been an amazing work of art. The romanticism of Ginsberg and of the Beats didn't ring true – too Hollywood. Not that she could actually concentrate on the movie, of course, what with having to spend eighty torturous minutes sitting next to him, her arm pushed against his on that pathetic little slice of plastic they liked to call 'arm rests' that was offered to them. The zings had reigned supreme during that entire time in the dark theatre. It hadn't even mattered that they'd both been wearing long sleeves, she could feel it. Her mouth had run dry and she had cursed herself for not having thought to purchase a soda along with the popcorn. After going over the pros and cons of the decision in her head, she'd finally given up and reached over to grab his soda. Other than a smirk and shake of his head, Jess gave no indication that he'd noticed her struggle at all.

Kind of him, really, considering she shouldn't have been struggling in the first place.

After the movie, they'd gone to a bookstore a few blocks down and wandered around while sipping on coffees, her treat. They had been there for a good two hours bouncing titles back and forth before she'd even thought to look at the time, realizing that she had to get home. David would no doubt be waiting.

They, she and David, had started living together after he proposed in July. He still kept his apartment, though, since it was closer to his job and would use it whenever he needed to spend the night closer to work.

She had willingly said yes to his proposal with nothing but joy in her heart, but there was no denying the niggling feeling in the very corner of her conscience that told her not to accept – to wait. Rory had ignored it and the wedding was now in April, five months away. Her mom had gone into a wedding-planning frenzy, having kept all the notes and pamphlets from her own wedding with Luke.

Rory had had trouble telling Jess about her engagement. They'd barely talked about David at all for she'd always skated over the topic whenever he came up, though she hadn't entirely been sure of as to why. It had been over stumbled words and fidgety hands (she'd knocked over a Danielle Steel display case) in the historical fiction section. She remembered watching with an ache in her stomach as the surprise that he had initially shown upon hearing the news slowly gave away to nothingness as his walls went up, closing off his emotions once more from the world. He had feigned nonchalance and happiness for her but she could see the pain lurking in his eyes beneath the smiles and congratulations.

_October 23, 2010_

_She felt as if her insides were twisting. She knew this day would come – it would have had to. Him being in her life, something that she never wanted to let go of again, meant having to tell him of the big events. And her upcoming wedding was a big event. It just felt so awful. Not only because of what she could see beneath the smile he gave her, but because of what she could feel was beneath her own smile. _

_She wondered if he could see her conflicted emotions as well as she could see his. Probably._

_They had left the bookstore and were now standing outside, preparing to say their goodbyes. _

_He gathered her in his arms and hugged her. When she wrapped her arms around him, a whispered 'finally' beat in the recesses of her wildly beating heart. She stood there wrapped in his embrace for what felt like days, even though it was probably only seconds, and breathed him in, loving—guiltily so—the way his arms felt around her. It was amazing, she thought, how they fit together so perfectly. He was so warm. And so very male, she shivered. _

_He pulled back and looked at her, scanning her face. "Are you happy, Ror?"_

_Rory was momentarily speechless, having his face so close and being able to look into his dark, unguarded eyes. "He means a lot to me and I love him. We're very good together," she replied. She couldn't stand his gaze anymore so she looked down to pick at a piece of lint on his jacket. "I am happy."_

_He let her go and smiled at her, and it was then that her heart broke. It was the same smile he gave her right before she left Truncheon all those years ago, when he had told her that she could tell Logan they 'did something.' _

_Jess nodded and kissed her forehead. It was very chaste and sweet, but the tenderness behind it had tears springing to her eyes. She had broken him again, she realized. And maybe she'd just broken herself, too. She blinked them back and reached up to kiss him on the cheek before turning away to walk towards the subway station, finally letting the tears run down her face._

_She was horrified. Horrified in herself for feeling so strongly about this man, horrified in herself for allowing them to get so close again, but especially horrified in herself for hurting him again. As she sat on the train and watched the underground fly by outside the window, she decided she would never hurt him again._

_Later as she was walking home, Rory realized three things simultaneously: she was colder now that his warmth had been taken away, she could still feel the sensation of him pressing his lips to her forehead, and she could not stop thinking about how delicious it had felt to be wrapped in his arms. _

In retrospect, Rory really should have realized what all of that had meant.

By now, Rory had conceded to the fact that she was a fairly level-headed woman. She wasn't one who typically acted on feelings alone, always having the need to bring logic into the picture at some point. It was interesting to note, then, that she was just about to base one of the most important decisions of her life on a feeling deep within her gut – not giving her logical side much say in the matter. It _was_ the side, after all, that had told her to ignore the feeling deep in her gut and stay with her safe fiancé… she felt it hadn't done its job and therefore scooted it away.

She knew that somewhere deep inside her was a need that had never nor would ever go away, no matter how many great men would enter her life, and she hated herself for having ignored it for so long.

But therein lie the problem. Could she risk it all now? For as much as she was drawn towards Jess, she was also equally wary of him. And not just him, but of what he represented – this great big step into the unknown. Because the truth was that she had a perfectly nice life and had no doubt that she would continue to have a perfectly nice life if she just stayed in her bed and went back to sleep, pushing the dream away to the back of her mind.

But as Rory reached deep into the corners of her heart, she knew that that was not what she wanted. She was just hesitant to take this next step, for it would forever change her.

Rory may have inherited many wonderful qualities from her mother, but the willingness to take risks was not one of them. Almost every decision she'd ever made in her life had been thoroughly calculated, the pros and cons weighed carefully. Applying to an Ivy League school, let alone three, was attainable for her. She had had the grades, the will and the family that would support her endlessly. Entering Journalism was also calculated. It played to her strengths. And she enjoyed it immensely. Even setting her sights on becoming an overseas correspondent was an achievable goal for Rory. She'd have to work hard for a very long time, but it was within her grasp.

She admitted, jumping off the side of a wall with nothing but a questionable looking harness and an umbrella for support was a bit of a risk, but she could pinpoint that decision on a very particular point in her youth that included other stupid decisions like yacht-stealing and college-abandoning.

Truthfully, Rory never liked taking risks because she knew that it would be foolish to give up something good for something unknown, even if the resulting benefits could be phenomenal.

That was why she'd turned down Jess when he had come to her dorm room begging her to run away with him. She had so wanted to go, but knew she couldn't. She couldn't give up Yale. She couldn't give up her life or the relationships she had, no matter how much she loved him. And she did love him, but it would have been a dangerous decision to make. They were too young. It would have never worked out in the long run. Rory had conceded long ago that she much preferred a broken heart over resenting Jess for the rest of her life.

But she was older now. She wasn't in college anymore. She had her life on track. She had a great career, lived in a wonderful city, visited home at least every other weekend – she wouldn't be giving up her life for the unknown. She would be asking him to join her. And as she swung her legs over the side of the couch, she knew. She knew what to do now. She was going to take a risk, terrifying as it might be, but she was going to do it. And even if things didn't end well, she would at least know that she took that chance and didn't hold herself back from the one boy that stole her heart at seventeen and never gave it back.

She rushed over to her overnight bag sitting on the armchair by the stairs and grabbed her jeans and sweater, pulling them both on over her pajama shorts and tank top. After a quick trip to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wipe the sleep from her eyes, she rushed over to the door, almost falling over in her haste, and grabbed her keys, her phone and slipped on her shoes before shutting the door behind her.

She needed to do one vital thing before she went over to his place and she was nervous as hell.

She stood outside on the front porch for a moment and looked down at the engagement ring on the fourth finger of her left hand. Fingering the 2-carat diamond, she reminded herself that no matter what happened today, she was doing the right thing. No matter how much she loved David, she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with him. What they had wasn't enough and he needed to know – sooner rather than later.

* * *

><p>AN2: This may quite possibly be the hardest chapter I've ever had to write. Which honestly isn't saying much (I mean I'm no William Faulkner or Jane Austen) but still. This one wasn't easy. And I sincerely hope that _that_ didn't show while reading. If it did, forgive me.

Nevertheless, please review!

Last part up next.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Here we are at the end. Thank you to everyone that read this. When I found this on my hard drive I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it work (it was a complete mess) but I did my best.

This chapter features only one song – Judy Garland's _The Man that Got Away_. Many of you may recall that that was the song playing when Luke and Lorelai made up in Season 5.

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>November 14, 2010<p>

4:13 a.m.

Lorelai was pulled abruptly from a lovely dream about plaid shirts and chocolate covered marshmallows by the bellowing of Duran Duran's _Hungry Like the Wolf_ from the night stand to her left. She was content to let it continue and have the group's "doo doo doo doo" lull her back to sleep but the groaned roar of "For the love of God, shut it off!" from her right caused her to sit up and answer the offending contraption.

"I hope this is very _very_ good," she mumbled into the phone.

"_Mom_!"

Lorelai sat up straighter, sleep immediately leaving her and panic quickly settling in its place. "Rory? What's wrong? Where are you?"

More importantly, why wasn't she sound asleep downstairs in her bedroom?

"_Well, nothing. At least not physically. I'm fine, really. You can quit the harsh breathing. I just wanted to talk to you before I got there._"

At the knowledge that her daughter was not mangled and wasting away in some trash bin across town, Lorelai relaxed. A little. She was still receiving a distraught phone call at four in the morning, after all. "Got where?"

"_David's_."

Lorelai noticed how the response hung in the air like a one-worded guillotine. "What happened, hon?"

"_Well, I can't really get into all of it right now, but I sort of had a dream._"

"Often a great catalyst for an early morning drive," Lorelai responded, remembering a similar instance many years ago that caused her to rip her daughter away from a book one night to get her packing and head on over to Massachusetts to give Harvard an unexpected visit.

"_Yeah, and I can't do this anymore, mom. I have to break it off_."

"Huh," Lorelai said, shocked but a little relieved. She adored David. She did. He was very good to her daughter. But there was something inside Rory that wasn't entirely happy with him. Lorelai could sense it. "Can I ask why you are leaving your fiancé and the man you've been with for almost three years?"

A head popped out of the blanket beside her. "What? She's leaving David? Why?"

Lorelai turned and shushed Luke, waving him away with her free hand.

"_It's not right with him, mom. I've tried to ignore it and just be happy but it's like something's missing. I don't really know how to explain it, but it's wrong." _

Lorelai heard the sadness in her daughter's voice and urged her on. "It's okay, babe. Just tell me what you're feeling."

There was a pause, as if her daughter was attempting to gather her thoughts, before "_I never wanted my love for a man, nor our life together, to be described as 'comfortable.' I never wanted our kisses to become routine or our marriage to just be the next logical step. I want to marry someone because I love them and can't stand the thought of living without them. Because they complete me. Because it's right, and it isn't right with David, mom. Are you upset?_"

"Of course not, honey. I just want you to be sure."

"_I'm sure. The dream only helped me open my eyes a little wider._"

"Well, I definitely have to hear about this eye-opening dream. You'll tell me about it later?"

"_Of course I will, mom. I just have to deal with some things first._"

"I got it," Lorelai said with a nod of her head. "Just call me when you're free, all right? And remember, I only want you to be happy. Go after what you want, hon. Whatever it is."

"_Thanks, mom. I love you. I'll call you later._"

"I love you, too." Lorelai hung up the phone with a soft _click_ before turning to her worried husband.

"Is she okay? What did she say? Did he do something to her? I'll kick his art-loving, preppy ass if he hurt her."

Lorelai tilted her head to the side with a smile, adoring the man she'd promised her life to even more than she had just five minutes ago. "She sounded like she'll be all right," Lorelai affirmed as she curled up behind her husband of two and a half years and rubbed her hand across his stomach. "She'll call later with all the details. Let's go back to sleep." She smiled, hoping Rory went after something like what she had with Luke. "I love you."

Luke settled back into the covers, placed his hand over Lorelai's and whispered an "I love you, too," before drifting off back to sleep, his racing heart calmed down by Lorelai's words and her relaxed form behind him, telling him that Rory was okay.

_**ooo**_

4 Hours Later

8:32 a.m.

With a soft _click _Rory shut the door of David's apartment behind her, tears streaming down her face, her left ring finger now bare. It was over. She leaned back against the door and breathed in the cold air, closing her eyes as she remembered the pain on her ex-fiancé's face when she'd told him she couldn't spend the rest of her life with him as she gave him back the ring. It was agonizing to know that the pain she'd seen form so easily in his eyes had been from her, but she kept her resolve. This had to be done, she knew. And she couldn't lie to him, either, for he had deserved to know the truth.

_An Hour Earlier_

"_Why, Rory? Why?" David exclaimed after being handed the 2-carat princess-cut diamond ring he had given her four months prior._

"_I'm so sorry, David," Rory said, her voice wavering as an endless stream of tears ran down her cheeks, "but I can't marry you. I realized something this morning – something that has been inside me for years and I can't ignore it anymore."_

_David stared at the brunette in front of him, wondering where this pain inside of her was coming from and wondering how he'd never noticed it. "What?" he whispered._

"_I'm so sorry that it's come to this. I never wanted any of this to happen. I never wanted to hurt you."_

_A niggling notion presented itself. "Is there somebody else?" he asked, not entirely sure if he wanted to know the answer or not._

_Rory she clasped her hands in front of her, as if praying for him to understand the bomb she was about to drop on him before nodding solemnly. "And it's not fair to you. Please, David. I need you to understand that I never meant for this to happen. I just…I can't do this anymore."_

"_Damn it, Rory. How could you do this to me?" he exclaimed, the knowledge that his fiancée was in love with some other man destroying him. "Don't you love me?"_

"_Of course I do!" Rory cried. "Of course I love you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I wouldn't have accepted if I didn't."_

"_THEN WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME?" David screamed out as his heart broke in two. _

"_Because," Rory started, her voice soft, "I don't love you how I should. When you marry someone, you should love them with your whole heart. Where there's no room for anyone else."_

He'd asked questions after that, of course. None of which she could answer. She'd never given him names, dates or places, as those types of details would have eaten him alive for the rest of his life. Instead she told him the plain truth – that it wasn't just Jess. It was what he'd represented. His reappearance had shown her that she was still waiting for something, something that she didn't have and something that David couldn't give her. Before she'd left, he'd asked her if she was sure. With quiet conviction she had affirmed that she was and he'd told her that he was sorry he couldn't give her what she wanted before whispering a goodbye and turning around to walk away.

It wasn't easy – not that she'd expected it to be – but it was done now and she could move on with her life. Move towards something that hopefully would be waiting for her.

She started walking towards her car, feeling the immense need to calm down before she showed up on Jess's doorstep. She turned on the radio, forgetting that she had left one of her old mix CDs in and it picked up right where it left off when she'd last been in the car. The ending chords of The Clash's _Rock the Casbah_ could be heard before Judy Garland's soulful and aching voice filled the car. The corners of Rory's lips turned upwards as a laugh escaped her – how appropriate.

_The night is bitter,  
><em>_The stars have lost their glitter  
><em>_The winds grow colder,  
><em>_Suddenly you're older  
><em>_And all because of the man that got away_

_No more his eager call,  
><em>_The writing's on the wall,  
><em>_The dreams you've dreamed have all  
><em>_Gone astray_

_The Man That Got Away_ was undoubtedly her favorite song by Judy Garland. It was unendingly beautiful and she felt comforted and strengthened by the pain and suffering Rory could feel in her voice. As if Judy was carrying her through this moment, helping her along.

_The man that won you  
><em>_Has run off and undone you  
><em>_That great beginning  
><em>_Has seen a final inning  
><em>_Don't know what happened, it's all a crazy game_

Rory rolled down the window as she drove and breathed in the cool air, letting it help calm her racing heart. She would kill for a cup of coffee right about now.

_No more that all-time thrill  
><em>_For you've been through the mill  
><em>_And never a new love will  
><em>_Be the same_

She imagined the scene in her head, wondering how it would actually pan out. It was a fruitless endeavor, really, since meetings with Jess never turned out how she thought they would.

Nevertheless, she prepared herself mentally for his rejection, attempted to calm the hope rising in her chest at the thought of him reciprocating and let the soothing sound of Judy guide her on what she should say.

_Good riddance, goodbye  
><em>_Ev'ry trick of his you're on to  
><em>_But fools will be fools  
><em>_And where's he gone to?_

By the song's close, she felt a little better. At least someone had gone through what she was going through now. She remembered so many times when she would read a new book and wonder what Jess might think of it, or wonder what he was doing when she'd sit by herself on their bridge, or when she'd lie in bed at night and cry herself to sleep remembering his voice, his touches, his wonderfully passionate kisses. His smiles, though, she had missed the most. They were brief but true, and she savored them as she would a secret.

_The road gets rougher,  
><em>_It's lonelier and tougher  
><em>_With hope you burn up,  
><em>_Tomorrow he will turn up  
><em>_There's just no letup the live-long night and day_

She was doing something about it now, though – no more wondering what if. She wouldn't spend the rest of her life burning up with hope that he'll someday turn up at _her _door. She was going to him, finally, and letting him know that she was ready for him, for them.

_Ever since this world began  
><em>_There is nothing sadder than  
><em>_A one-man woman looking for  
><em>_The man that got away,  
><em>_The man that got away_

Rory smirked at the final words of the song. That may be true, but she no longer cared. _I'll be pathetic if I have to be to get what I want_, she thought with resolve as she drove on.

_**ooo**_

"I swear, parking's a nightmare," Rory grumbled, trying, and failing, to find a spot. She searched within a reasonable distance of his apartment for a good ten minutes before she found a spot two blocks away. She pulled in, deposited some quarters into the meter and walked towards his building, grateful for the early morning chill. It calmed her down somewhat.

They had met at his place last month before going to see the movie since he lived near the theater. She had loved his apartment the second she'd stepped inside. It wasn't very big, but it was so him. Every corner, nook and cranny practically screamed "Jess" and she loved every bit of it. He'd given her the grand tour and it was fun seeing how the man lived. The front door opened straight into the kitchen with a bathroom off to the right. To the left was the living room with a small sofa facing towards a TV and a desk in the corner covered with his laptop and papers. A door opened just further that led to his bedroom and she'd peeked inside. The bed was big enough to fit two people comfortably and there were paperbacks littered on the floor against the wall across from the door. The navy blue comforter was thrown haphazardly to the side and the dark grey sheets were rumpled, but she'd thought she'd never seen anything look so inviting.

Her favorite thing, however, had been that his entire compartment was covered in books. He had a bookshelf next to the sofa that was full, but it was obvious he needed more because there were piles of books everywhere. When asked, he'd explained that when Truncheon was bought out, a small collection didn't transfer to the new owners and he split it with the other guys that had worked there – Jess getting most of them, though. He was slowly making his way through them, the three piles by the desk yet to be read. Rory had been amazed that the middle pile hadn't toppled over, it was so high.

Reaching his building, Rory was able to catch the door just as someone was leaving. He lived on the fifth floor and as she was climbing the steps, she remembered how much she'd hated them the last time. She'd definitely inherited a hatred for all things physical from her mother. She finally reached the top step and walked over to stand in front of his door, preparing herself for whatever was about to come.

Considering the fact that it was eight in the morning on a Sunday, she made a wild guess that he wasn't up so she threw the idea of a light tapping out the window and began pounding on the door.

It took ninety-eight seconds – she'd counted – for the door to swing open and a livid looking Jess to appear. He was wearing dark grey sweat pants and a rumpled white t-shirt, his hair tousled from sleep, and she thought he'd never looked sexier. His expression had morphed into one of shock and then worry once he'd recognized who it was banging on his door. Before he could get a word out, she cut him off.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

At his furrowed brows, she clarified. "For everything that's happened between us. I hate that everything between us got so screwed up so many times. I never wanted to hurt you." At Jess's sigh, she paused, worried that she was being rejected already. But as she looked into his eyes and saw the pain surfacing beneath the calm façade he'd put up, she continued on with more conviction. "But I did. You're not the only one to blame for us, because I did a lot, too. By not wanting to hurt Dean, I hurt you. By not wanting to hurt Logan, I hurt you. And I hate that. I hate that I can't even count how many times I've hurt you. It's horrible." Rory paused, looking down at her feet – mostly out of shame. How could she have been so blind for so many years?

"No matter what you did before, there's no excuse for how I've treated you. I love you," she confessed with a soft smile, "and I couldn't do it anymore. I left David. Seeing you again on the street in June made me realize that I have been waiting for something. Something more than what I had with him. Something more than what he could give me. I'm sorry that it took me so long, so _damn_ long, to realize that that something was you. It has been you all along, but I never knew that. I never knew and I hurt you because of that. I've been so stupid."

She stepped forward and grabbed his shirt in both of her hands, curling her fists, before laying her head against his chest. "I've been yours all along," she revealed, her voice slightly muffled. "Even though it took me a long time to realize it, even though you knew long before I did, I am. I'm sorry I made you wait and suffer." She looked up, tears streaming down her face. He was looking directly into her eyes. She felt like he could see right into her, like he'd always seemed to. His hands, which had been clenched at his sides, moved to rest on her hips. She could see in his expression that he was surprised at all that she'd said and was confused at where this was coming from.

She had to make him understand that it was real this time and that she wasn't turning back on them. She reached up her right hand to cup his cheek. "I lied to you," she sobbed. "That day you called me after you left. I lied to you and I'm sorry for that too. I was just so angry and hurt that you were gone." She paused, shaking her head back and forth at the memory of it. "I made you doubt me, how I felt, but I was scared. I was scared of how you made me feel – more alive and real than anybody I'd ever known. I told you that I might have loved you but I just needed to get over it, remember?"

He nodded, his intense gaze never leaving hers. She brushed her thumb across his cheek. "I lied, Jess. I knew I loved you, even then. I loved you so much and I didn't know how to deal with it. I was so distraught after you left that I didn't know what to do. The only way I knew how to make it through the day was to force you out of my brain and put up this strong front, make sure everyone believed I was okay and unaffected. But at night," Rory paused, thinking about all those nights when everything would get quiet and he would peek out from the corners of her mind. The feeling of his fingers softly rubbing the flesh at her hips spurred her on. "At night when it was dark and quiet – you would come to me and I'd cry myself to sleep for months. I fell for you so hard, at such a young age – I didn't know how to deal with any of it so I just started pretending that it didn't hurt. And I see it now – I've been pretending so long that I didn't even realize how much I needed you. Because I do. I need you."

She reached up her other hand and grasped his face in her palms, needing to make him understand more than anything. "You never deserved anything I did to you," she breathed, keeping eye contact. "Ever. You are so good and I never treated you how I should have. But I need you to know that I love you, I always have. I can't help it. I fell for you when I was seventeen and I can't stop." He looked down at that and she dipped her head to catch his gaze again. "I don't want to stop. I never want to stop loving you. You're it for me and I hate that I made you suffer when you should never hurt again. I am so proud of you, Jess. You got your life together and pulled me out of my shit. It was you I needed, it always has been."

She trailed her fingers along the side of his face, stroking his cheek before lowering her hands to grasp his shirt again. "When I think about you," she sobbed out, "I can't breathe because you're so damn far away." She closed her eyes and tightened her grip, laying her head on his chest again. "Please forgive me." She sobbed the words aloud, her desperation leaking out of her. "Please forgive me. Please, Jess. Please. Please, please forgive me." She was shaking now. His grip on her hips had tightened and she could feel the tension in his body. She looked up at him and saw that he had closed his eyes, his jaw tight.

Slowly he lowered his forehead to rest against hers and they stood like that for an eternity before she finally felt the tension leave his body and he said softly, "I love you."

At his response fresh tears ran down her cheeks. She quickly breathed in a deep sigh, smiling as she felt the elation fill her body. Leaning up, she kissed him, whispering that she loved him too. He reached around and tightened his arms around her, pulling her into his body. She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, her right hand tangling in his sleep-tousled hair. They stayed like that, just learning each other's taste and feel for another minute before he pulled her inside and shut the door.

As he pulled her further inside his apartment, she thought back to the dream that started this all. When they wrapped their arms around each other in the middle of his living room while the sun filtered in, she wondered if maybe someday they would have their own song. And as he took her hand and led her to his bedroom, she knew that dream Rory hadn't been false – awake Rory would be just as aware of Jess as her dream counterpart had been. She could feel it already, the burning trail his fingertips left on her skin.

She knew they had so much more to say, but as Jess pulled her close and fed her soft kisses, Rory knew that this moment was for reconnecting. They would talk later, for they had their whole lives ahead of them.

Rory breathed a deep sigh. She knew that this feeling, this wonderful, incredible feeling, had been worth waiting for. It was worth the heartache and the pain and the suffering and every other horrible thing that had happened between them because no longer was she waiting. No longer was she empty. They had each other now – for real this time.

* * *

><p>AN2: There it is, folks! My very first Literati story, all done. Many of you may still be reeling from Rory's confession/apology… it was a biggie. But I felt it necessary. A part of me has always felt that Rory was never good enough for Jess (she treated him like crap for a very long time, and the poor guy just took it) and that she'd needed to realize her own mistakes before they came together again.

Just a side note – the part near the end where Rory is begging Jess to forgive her repeatedly is borrowed from a scene in Sex & the City where Sarah Jessica Parker's character Carrie begs Aiden to forgive her ("You have to forgive me!"). That was such a powerful moment, and SJP's acting was amazing in it.

Again, thank you to every person that read this story. I hope enjoyed it as much as I did. Please review and tell me what you thought!


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